By Abdul Lateef Abdullah
The mutual “work” that is required of each individual in Islam— the jihad al-akbar —in which we all must engage throughout our life course, is the very foundation of the ideal male-female relationship in Islam. Marriage, for example, in traditional spiritual teachings is often referred to as a mutually supportive path toward self- and God-realization, where the goal is not the other, but God Himself. The role of the relationship or partnership on this path is to support one another with tenderness, kindness, open communication, and strength toward achieving the goal. The ideal is that each partner focuses on giving, not receiving, in the spirit of service. This can only occur, however, if each partner understands that the relationship itself does not exist for the purpose of power, subordination, or solely for the fulfillment of sensual desires. It is a truly spiritual partnership, where inherent differences are acknowledged, respected, and appreciated, thus meeting in cooperation to further the mutual goal of achieving true love.
This difficult process, however, requires mutual commitment toward personal wholeness, which can only be achieved through dedication to self- and God-realization. When men and women as individuals are complete and whole, at peace with who they are, and filled with love of God, they have no need to seek another to complete themselves. An ego-based notion of love (also known as romanticism), is nothing but a self-centered desiring that is “the dependent ego searching for a reflection of its need in another’s willingness to support and gratify it. This form of relationship is recognized by the experienced as the mutual gratification, support, and enabling of codependence,” (Ansari) that means the attempt to complete ourselves through another. And what happens when we reach that point when we realize that the “other” cannot complete us? Without understanding and the ability and desire to work through it, the results can be frustration, disappointment, resentment, and even divorce (in the case of a marriage).
To be whole we have to realize that we already are whole. Allah created us whole, yet it is through forgetfulness of who and what we really are, and from whom and where we came that prevents us from realizing our true nature. Remember, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) informed us that every human being is born pure and in a state of Islam. However, because we have been taught to forget, we go “looking” for love in all the wrong places, so to speak. Thus, the path of (self) knowledge and remembrance of Allah is the path toward wholeness, which is our natural state and the source of inner peace and tranquility.
Source: Islam Online
