By Fasiha Khan
It is a widely discussed, mulled-over, mutilated, and excessively groaned-about topic. I speak of the case of the serious and unfortunate event of Spinsterhood.
For the average Muslim girl, it seems the expectation is that she enter the marriage market at eighteen, with all the prospects that a young, fresh, nubile thing can afford, hoping to land a tidy end-of-story by the time she finishes undergrad. Once she graduates (and remains single), she may manage to stave off questions and expectations of marriage if she enters grad school (highly unlikely). If she starts work after graduation, then the next logical question is, “Well, she’s gotten an education and is working. What is there left for her to do but get married?” What’s left, indeed.
Her friends get engaged, and it’s exciting. Aunties ask her, “When’s it your turn?” She laughs graciously and shrugs unconcerned because she can. One by one, more friends and acquaintances get hitched and the smiles become more stilted, her expression less optimistic, and her chin inches up a notch. She develops a fierce phobia of pity and a hypersensitive awareness of being judged. (If she’s lucky) people think better than to ask because it’s not a funny joke anymore. The non-verbalized query becomes, “No, I’m serious, what’s going on with you? Why aren’t you getting married?” Boys her age follow suit (ouch) and younger, more nubile, fresher things enter the mix (competition is stiff!).
And then, she’s left ruminating over how and when she got passed over.
I submit that this unhealthy exercise is just that. This type of situation can be a particularly trying period in a woman’s life, a time of in-betweens, what-ifs, how-comes, and why-me’s. Insecurity ( “I’m fat”) tangos with disillusionment ( “Why aren’t I appreciated for…?”) and bitterness ( “What does she have that I don’t?”). Low self-esteem, excess stress, sporadic man-hating, minimal trust in God, and pettiness abound. These approaches are a disservice to the integrity and value of this girl having a crisis of self-worth. Everything she is, has accomplished, learned, and contributed should never be diminished by the petty weight of her single status. Sainthood is an aspiration. Motherhood is an honor. Robin Hood is super cool. Spinsterhood is a joke.
God has already written if and when each of us is finding our partner in life — neither these words nor this good fellow can be erased from our futures; the pen has been lifted, the ink has dried. We live by our own timelines and no one else’s. It’s not because you aren’t pretty enough, nice enough, smart enough, thin enough — it is not because you are not enough. It doesn’t matter how many people things didn’t work out with, it only needs to work out with one, the right one. Everyone you know can get married eons before you, but Mr. Took-His-Time will stroll into your life at exactly the moment that is perfect, because he is perfect for you, and no one else. This is neither a criticism against marrying young nor an exhortation to delay marriage. It is an appeal to my sisters to appreciate themselves before someone loves them for their true worth. Whether or whenever that is.
Source: Muslim Contributor
